Saturday, January 29, 2011

On pursuing me

To the men out there who have expressed interest in me but are not currently pursuing me:


I'll back up a bit and clarify that this a phenomenon I've experienced a couple of times recently in various iterations. It's ranged from subtle (extremely bitter vituperations of Ex-BF v. 2.0 that appear to be pulled out of thin air) to flagrant (telling me how gorgeous he thinks I am).

And perhaps the most frustrating example was the following e-mail, which dropped in my inbox last week: "May I say I am jealous of the entrepreneur. I know I have NO right to be... it's irrational, but I am."

In any case, it's clear -- on some level, they're interested in me. 

And they're not doing a goddamn thing about it.

I mean, I get it -- the gentlemen in question have all read this blog, particularly the recent entries, and I understand how hard it could be to muster up the guts/will to pursue me in the face of my girlish blathering over the entrepreneur.

But to that, I will post the following picture, which has appeared in my blog once before:

Ain't NO ring on this finger. I've been doing this long enough to know that -- pessimistic as it may be -- I should have ZERO expectations right now for continued affections and attentions from the entrepreneur. Until we make it Facebook official -- and we're not even Facebook friends at this point -- consider me a free agent. And if you're interested in me, you should be trying to sign me on.

Like I said, I get it -- asking people out is scary. And given my writing niche and semi-public position, I may be more intimidating than the average broad to ask out.

But here's the thing: I'm funny, smart, cute and a generally likable person. It's really not that hard to convince guys to take me out for drinks. 

If you don't ask me out, someone else will. That's not a threat; that's just a fact of life.

I get that early dating can be truly hard for you men. The onus is generally on you to be the one doing the pursuing. We're even designed that way, genitalia-wise -- men are the pursuers; we women are the pursued. 

But goddammit, that's what I want! I want to be pursued! I've said this before, and I'll say it again: I want a guy aggressive enough to go for what he wants. So if you want me, you should go for it!

And, look -- I'm telling you -- I get it. Rejection is always a possibility, and it sucks. Nobody wants to be rejected

The fact of the matter is, if you ask me out, I might not say yes.

But if you don't ask me out? I DEFINITELY won't say yes!

So don't be jealous -- be proactive. Get the balls and ask me out. There's only one way to find out which way it's going to go.

And to the rest of the men in the world who are spending their days pining over someone: If there is a girl out there you want, apply this lesson to your situation. Don't put her on a pedestal and psyche yourself out. We're living, breathing humans with jobs and friends and dirty dishes in the sink, just like you. 

Go for it. 

Be brave. Be bold. Kiss the girl. 

You'll thank me later.


  1. Completely agree. 100%. Kiss hard, kiss early. Put in a little effort. Dont be a spineless wonder. Get a pair!! Hope you are feeling better, T.

  2. I'd be curious to see if the number of guys who ask you out this week will increase exponentially. If it does, we will all demand another one of your awesome helpful charts!

  3. Another post that's right on the mark. What I hate is when guys take girls for granted, like when they think the girls will just wait for them forever.

  4. Omg that describes this guy I had a crush on a couple years ago-all talk. He'd tell me how sexy I was, how he was so attracted to me, etc. But there was zero effort on his part to do anything about it. He tried to kiss me once in a way that said "I don't have the balls to kiss you for real" and then proceeded to tell me later that if I'd invited him into my apt that night he would've said yes. In the words of Alicia Silverstone in "Clueless", "As if!!"

  5. loved this post!!! It's true that rejection is difficult but I'm not evil and won't be mean about saying no...just ask. I want a mans man who takes charge and sitting back and passively being interested in me will not work for me. Kudos for calling them out. :-)

  6. As my basketball coach used to say, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take! So just go for it, dudes.

  7. My friend is going through exactly the same thing. I think that age plays a huge role in this, as that's definitely not what I observe with guys in their 30s.

    Three dates with the entrepreneur does not a relationship make. Guys, ask the lovely lady out! xoxo

  8. I'm sorry, but what guy in his right mind would pursue you after you have posted how much you like the latest guy you are dating, both on here, and in your twitter feed, which is connected to this blog for all to read? He would already be starting out at a disadvantage.

    There isn't one in his right mind that would. At least not one with any amount of self respect.

  9. I once put a question as to why guys don't ask me out on my honesty box on facebook, just for the heck of it. I had over ten guys say they were either intimidated or feared rejection.

    I told them grow some balls.

    Seriously, if a guy likes a girl, sitting idly by isn't going to get them anywhere.

  10. i like it. hopefully he gets off his ass!

  11. I don't get it. A guy expresses interest, which is a pretty big step for anyone, and you think he should still go another yard and ask you out? Why didn't you just ask him out? I get the desire to want to be pursued but...nowadays nobody - male or female - really has that sort of luxury. Way too many options out there, way too many ways for people to connect.

  12. Now that I've read these other comments (after my first one) I have more to add: It sounds like KT is in a similar camp as me. When I am not in a relationship, I will pretty much date anyone who seems nice, normal and not crazy as long and as they are not the creature from the blue lagoon. Meaning I'll pretty much go on a 1st date with anybody. Whats so scary about getting a drink or cup of coffee with someone and getting to know them no matter what happens afterwards? And you'd think in a town like DC where being social is almost a professional requisite that everyone here would have the skills to do this? Most girls I know don't refuse a first date from most guys. If someone is nice and normal and shows interest in them, they'll give them a shot. So the chance of rejection is minimal at the beginning. Guys take note. Cheers, T.

  13. Geez, get over yourself. This isn't mean to be a mean comment, and even granting you that perhaps you are as awesome as you detail yourself to be, but c'mon. Assuming there exists a quantity of men itching to ask you out but are deterred or intimidated by some factor (unless this post is directed to the one jealous emailer)?

    Sure, men can be intimidating and rejection is scary. But your mantra on this site appears to be, paraphrasing, "I'm not special, i'm not different, etc etc." And in a sense, when you maybe have a good thing going with the entrepreneur but say "ask me out, date me!" to others, it definitely conveys to any possibly interested man that they won't be special, they won't be different, etc. And who wants that?

  14. While I LOVE to be pursued, as most women (hell, most PEOPLE) do, I would have to semi-agree with some of these comments from the other side. If you do have a great thing going with someone else, what guy interested in you would want to interfere with that? Anyone who reads this blog religiously or is friends with you wants you to be happy... including the men.

    I'm all for being admired, but I also do my fair share of asking out. I think women sometimes need to grow a pair too. I met a great guy just by saying, "Hey, want to go out and do something?"

    Bottom line: You seem happy now. Maybe some men who thought of pursuing you don't want to screw up your happiness.

  15. I love this post KT! I totally agree with you on wanting a guy who is a stand up guy and goes for what he wants, but I find most of the time the guys I am interested in are the ones who aren't totally forward and agressive and maybe need a little reassurance coming from us that shows we are interested as well.

    I do understand the confusion of some of the guys who read your blog how they may not be asking you out right now because you are gushing about the entrepeneur...but gushing about a new fun guy doesn't mean all the others have to take a back seat ;)

  16. I generally agree with Katie, guys have to take their shot, but when a chick is head-over-heels for someone, even a recent someone, it is not the best time to take a shot. I would guess that most of these guys were interested before the entrepreneur came along and that is how they missed out - perhaps he is just another excuse for some - but when someone is infatuated with someone else, it is hard for a guy who comes along to compare well - even if the person would if both started from neutral.

    So while calling guys out on wussyness is generally warranted, you cannot blame them too much for sitting back while your infatuation with this possible player plays out (or goes the long haul).

  17. I've seen the comments from a few other people since I posted-I understand where you're coming from, but what us girls get annoyed at (and what Katie's point is) is when guys tell us they think we're hot/sexy/gorgeous/whatever but then don't do anything about it. If you're telling us these things, then clearly you're interested (and more often than not we know you're interested), so wtf are you waiting for? YOU'RE the ones expressing interest in US, so why should it up to US to ask YOU out? That's just lazy. If you're interested, do something about it, otherwise shut up. There are other guys out there who actually have the cojones to ask us out.

  18. as a male, if im willing to tell you how attractive i think you are, the balls are already out there, its bs to make any statement along line (btw, im aware how hypocritical it is to make this as anonymous). im shy as hell, i get it, i need a first line to talk to y'all, "hi my name is" is pretty difficult, and i don't even consider myself that ugly! its not about talking to you, its about feeling like you might wanna talk to me.

  19. @Anonymous-we get that guys can be shy (I personally like shy guys). But the fact of the matter is that if you've already demonstrated your interest to us and we haven't discouraged you by telling you we have a boyfriend/husband/fiance/etc, chances are we'll talk to you and likely say yes to a first date. Also-if you don't try to talk to us in the 1st place, how do you know whether or not we'll want to talk to you? Appearances can be deceiving.

  20. My male friends have been pretty consistent in telling me that until you've had "the talk" that everyone is still on the market and up for grabs and grabbing. If K and the E are still not established as exclusive, why shouldn't she be soliciting and entertaining other candidates? Any guys who like her should give it a shot. She's a great woman!

  21. Sorry, I kinda side with the guys on this one. Having read your entire blog - you really expect a lot from the guys - they have to pursue, they have to be (reasonably) aggressive, they have to ask you out, they have to pay for the date. That doesn't even get into the criteria for what makes a good and interesting date.

    It's all on them to open the door. That's really simply not fair - and perhaps you are shortchanging great guys who are a little bit passive in the beginning (for a VARIETY of reasons) - not including the very public blog you have here.

    Cut people some slack. I wouldn't be happily married now if I sat around and waiting for my husband to really pursue me the way you would want when we first started dating - he was a bit shy and didn't really come right out and ask me out - I sort of had to finish the question for him! He has turned out to be an incredibly confident and successful man. I'd like to take some credit for that - but really it was all in him all along, someone just needed to open the door.

  22. I'd like to apologize for formerly being that guy. I used to be such a gigantic pussy about that sort of thing. I don't know what happened, but after one of my break-ups, I suddenly realized that I was totally hot shit and could ask out anyone I wanted.

    Fact: If a girl will talk to you for 10 minutes without trying to escape, she will almost always say yes to a date. So quit being a pussy.

  23. I think it's premature to be discussing The Entrepreneur as if he's an actual candidate in the race for Katie's affection. 3 or 4 dates in a 4 week period? One of which took place at a Swingers Club?

    Any guy who reads this isn't going to be intimidated by TE. They're going to be thrown off by the fact that Katie seems so ga ga over someone who really hasn't done much to ear such a level of attention.

  24. @Brian: Comments such as this one are why I adore you so. I cannot wait to get meat with you on Thursday.

  25. "vituperations" that is a masterful word...I had to look it up, but once I did, hands down...masterful. Also, props for giving us guys a good kick in the ass with this post...nice motivation!

  26. I think this applies for most women. You gotta put in the work to get what you want, plain and simple.

    @DateMeDC Freudian slip?

  27. @nycjunglist: Where would I have made a Freudian slip? If you're talking about my meat comment, seriously, Brian and I are getting meat together this week:

  28. On the one hand, I agree with the comments that defer to the Entrepreneur who seems to have captured your fancy. At the same time, that misses the whole point of this post: if you're interested in a girl, do something about it! In your specific instance, readers have the advantage (disadvantage?) of additional insight into your dating endeavors, but that's not necessarily the case when it comes to the girl they meet on the Metro or at the bar. But if she isn't wearing a ring, and you're respectable in how you approach her, then go for it. She may respond positively or she may not. And if she indicates that she's not available, act like a gentleman and wish her luck. Or do like my friend Chris did upon hearing that a girl he was interested in recently started seeing someone. He replied, "90% of relationships don't work out, so let's get a drink on Thursday!" He's been dating that same girl for almost two years now.

    And just for the record:

    1. With apologies to the Non-Student, it was actually the great Wayne Gretzky who said, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." And he should know, since he holds the record for most goals in the NHL! (And it's by a landslide: 894 to second place Gordie Howe's 801.)

    2. You have incredibly sexy hands, and I don't even have a thing for that!

  29. @Will re: my sexy hands: THANK YOU. I've always thought they were quite nice!

    But really, you should SEE my ass.

  30. I'm sure you have a fantastic ass. With all the running around in heels (or snow tubing boots) to make it to your dates (almost) on time, you can probably bounce quarters off it! :-)

    On a related note, an ex-g/f once asked if I was a breast man or an ass man. After my first reaction (do I have to choose?), I told her I was a breast man. When she asked why, I said, "Well, I already have an ass." I suppose the same sentiment applies to hands, but that doesn't change my previous statement, nor would it make a fantastic ass any less impressive!

  31. sorry to revive an old item with a new comment, but this Craigslist posting from 2008 is so relevant to the theme of this thread.


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