And it feels UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY TABOO.
Up until now, with very few exceptions the men I've gone out with have all been older than me by at least a year or two. And there definitely have been several in their mid-to-late-30s, and two in their 40s.
But then came these 20-somethings, and my verbalized hesitance. That's when a friend passed along this fascinating analysis from OkCupid's blog: The Case for an Older Woman.
The point the writer tries to make is that the older a woman gets, the fewer men message her on dating sites. Men are dumbasses for doing that, he asserts, because women in their 30s are just as attractive as women in their 20s, more sexually active, and more confident/secure in themselves. Additionally, since fewer men are messaging the older women, there's less competition for them, so you're more likely to bag the first 30-something babe you contact.
While that all makes sense, that's not what really struck me about the piece: There's a chart in there that shows that the older a man gets, the relatively younger women he messages. So, for example, a man at age 30 might message a 25-year-old. But when he gets to 35, his choices haven't aged with him -- he's still going to message that 25-year-old.
What the fuck?!? My brain tried to wrap itself around this concept. Why do guys think it's OK to date women SO MUCH YOUNGER than them? What could they POSSIBLY have in common?
I was utterly flabbergasted -- and frankly, a little skeeved out -- by that phenomenon. But then I started examining my OWN dating history. I went through my archives. From a January 2010 post:
I am 26, almost 27. The optimal range is 27-33. Beyond that, what the fuck do we have to talk about? Our cultural references are totally different! Moreover, I can't get it up for someone who looks like my dad -- that's just gross.
Back then, just one year ago, I considered a seven-year gap the limit of acceptability.
However, to back up even further: When I started dating Ex-BF v. 2.0 in April 2008, one month to the day after ending my five-year relationship with Ex-BF v. 1.0, it felt nothing short of pure scandal. And not because I'd made a Tarzan-like leap from one serious relationship to the next, either (though I'm sure that caused a few eye rolls at my expense).
So, I've realized that I'm the inverse of what that OkCupid blog post describes -- as I've aged, I've started dating relatively older and older men.
What the hell happened???
My original opinions about having things in common/having similar cultural references haven't changed. And I know that for a FACT because of how I reacted to a repeated interaction I had with the entrepreneur -- who, at one month shy of 38, is a full decade older than me:
You see, on occasion, the entrepreneur would make "Austin Powers" references -- i.e., "Yeah, BAYBEEEE" -- something that hasn't been culturally relevant since approximately 1999. And every time he would make that reference, on the surface I would surreptitiously furl my brow a bit, but inside I was thinking, Jesus, GRANDPA, what's next? Are you going to suggest we get giggle water and jitterbug with the hepcats from the other side of the tracks? UPDATE YOUR MATERIAL!!!
Even so, that gigantic gap upward didn't seem to bother me... but then I go on dates with guys like the DoE contractor, whose all-too-recent exodus from college left me freaking out. And it stands to reason that I'd have more in common with someone also in their 20s than a 38-year-old (another exchange I frequently had with the entrepreneur: "Remember back in the '80s when they [fill in the blank]?" "Seeing as I was a toddler in the '80s, no, I do not"), but instead I'm feeling more confused than ever.
So where does that leave me now with my stable of strapping young men? Still struggling with the concept, as evidenced by my behavior Monday night. I met Allison and the Non-Student for happy hour at Crystal City Sports Pub, and at one point my phone buzzed with a text message.
"Awww, it's my little 25-year-old," I cooed.
"You have GOT to stop calling him that," the Non-Student firmly admonished.
"Seriously," Al chimed in. "He's not THAT much younger than you."
Indeed -- a little Facebook stalking indicates that he's about to turn 26 anyhow, ever narrowing the margin between us. I shouldn't have a problem with this.
And in a way, spending time with the young guys is refreshing -- noticeably different than times I've spent with late-30-somethings. It's like the 20-somethings haven't had their hearts stomped on by a woman yet, and so they're sweeter, more affectionate, and less likely to keep me at arm's length.
I think I could get used to that.
(And their 20-something libidos probably won't hurt, either. Just sayin'.)
However, to back up even further: When I started dating Ex-BF v. 2.0 in April 2008, one month to the day after ending my five-year relationship with Ex-BF v. 1.0, it felt nothing short of pure scandal. And not because I'd made a Tarzan-like leap from one serious relationship to the next, either (though I'm sure that caused a few eye rolls at my expense).
No, it was more because of his age -- 31 at the time, he was six years my senior.
Six years.
Ex-BF v. 1.0 was older, too, but the two-year age gap between us put us squarely in the could-have-gone-to-high-school-together range. And though he was my TA for a class I took my freshman year in college, Ex-BF v. 1.0 and I were ultimately college sweethearts, and in the same demographic.
Not so with Ex-BF v. 2.0. I remember when we were first learning about each other's previously uninterrupted lives, he would make references to graduating from high school in 1995 and I would teasingly say something along the lines of: "...and I was only twelve."
Like I said, it felt scandalous for some reason. And, frankly, kind of a turn-on.
So, I've realized that I'm the inverse of what that OkCupid blog post describes -- as I've aged, I've started dating relatively older and older men.
What the hell happened???
My original opinions about having things in common/having similar cultural references haven't changed. And I know that for a FACT because of how I reacted to a repeated interaction I had with the entrepreneur -- who, at one month shy of 38, is a full decade older than me:
You see, on occasion, the entrepreneur would make "Austin Powers" references -- i.e., "Yeah, BAYBEEEE" -- something that hasn't been culturally relevant since approximately 1999. And every time he would make that reference, on the surface I would surreptitiously furl my brow a bit, but inside I was thinking, Jesus, GRANDPA, what's next? Are you going to suggest we get giggle water and jitterbug with the hepcats from the other side of the tracks? UPDATE YOUR MATERIAL!!!
Even so, that gigantic gap upward didn't seem to bother me... but then I go on dates with guys like the DoE contractor, whose all-too-recent exodus from college left me freaking out. And it stands to reason that I'd have more in common with someone also in their 20s than a 38-year-old (another exchange I frequently had with the entrepreneur: "Remember back in the '80s when they [fill in the blank]?" "Seeing as I was a toddler in the '80s, no, I do not"), but instead I'm feeling more confused than ever.
So where does that leave me now with my stable of strapping young men? Still struggling with the concept, as evidenced by my behavior Monday night. I met Allison and the Non-Student for happy hour at Crystal City Sports Pub, and at one point my phone buzzed with a text message.
"Awww, it's my little 25-year-old," I cooed.
"You have GOT to stop calling him that," the Non-Student firmly admonished.
"Seriously," Al chimed in. "He's not THAT much younger than you."
Indeed -- a little Facebook stalking indicates that he's about to turn 26 anyhow, ever narrowing the margin between us. I shouldn't have a problem with this.
And in a way, spending time with the young guys is refreshing -- noticeably different than times I've spent with late-30-somethings. It's like the 20-somethings haven't had their hearts stomped on by a woman yet, and so they're sweeter, more affectionate, and less likely to keep me at arm's length.
I think I could get used to that.
(And their 20-something libidos probably won't hurt, either. Just sayin'.)
