Monday, May 26, 2014

Advice: Dealing with last-minute date invitations

Anonymous asks:
I have a rule that I don't accept dates with less than 24 hours notice, particularly first dates. I've been speaking to someone on twitter and he constantly asks me to do things the same afternoon. Usually I already have plans by the time he asks, and when he does ask it's usually things like "My coworkers are going out, you should come!" "A few friends are going to trivia, you should join." etc. And it's around 2 in the afternoon. Are my expectations unreasonable?
Date Me, D.C. says: 

Hey, I don't fault you at all -- despite as footloose and fancy-free as this blog may make me appear, I am generally not a spontaneous person. It doesn't matter if I don't have anything going on that particular night; if I had planned on being home and watching TV, that is what I had planned to do, and if someone asks me to do something last-minute -- even if it sounds super cool -- my stomach starts to feel sour and I say "NOPE." 

Tuesday: Sit on my ass at home

The reason my blog even existed in the first place was that I was purposely putting myself outside my comfort zone in order to meet people. So, there's that.

In any case, I don't necessarily think your expectations are unreasonable, but your actions in response may be. Are you responding with "Oh, I can't tonight, but maybe next time?" If so, he's going to keep asking you to do things in the same manner because he has no idea he's doing anything wrong.

Try this response on for size: "Hey, that sounds like a lot of fun and I really would love to hang out with you, but I need a little more notice because I'm a planner and my schedule books up." If he doesn't respond well to that, then he's one of two things: 1. just plain inconsiderate, or 2. someone with whom you are incompatible at base levels. 

Either way, he'd be not really worth worrying about, right? I know it can be hard when you're interested in someone, but try to keep that in mind. 

Remember, you can ask questions anonymously by clicking here or by emailing me at datemedcblogger@gmail.com.

4 comments:

  1. Katie, usually I agree with your advice but I am going to have to disagree with you on this one. I am also very much a planner and feel exactly the same way about same day/last minute plans. However, not everyone is this way and I think that planning style is something both people make adaptations to over time. I think the line about her schedule booking up could definitely come off as standoffish to someone who does not have the same mindset about planning. I would push yourself to go out with him on a spontaneous invite once, then try to make a more concrete date plan if you are into him. Once you've gone on a few dates and have gotten more comfortable then I think it is totally acceptable to let him know that you are a plan ahead kind of person, and he should definitely respect that. I am a planner all the way so I feel for you, but I have learned that some people just come from a complete different place when it comes to planning, and neither is right or wrong but sometimes you have to meet in the middle (especially in the beginning)

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    1. See, here's the thing -- I've done that. I've done the whole "let's work hard to meet in the middle and see if this thing has legs" approach to budding relationships, and you know what I ultimately find? A year/two years/five years later, I'm miserable, and it's because of that thing I had been working so hard to meet in the middle over. Because the sad truth of life is that you can continue to work and work and work to meet in the middle, but you can't always guarantee that your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner will put in the same effort.

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  2. If a dude is into you, he won't pull that shit. He's basically just interested in hooking up with you letter writer (and is being lazy about it). Now if he were to ask you at the last minute to do something together (just the two of you), then yeah, maybe he just sucks at planning. Doesn't sound like that's the case though. Of course if he is young (21-23), then maybe he just hasn't grown up either...

    In other words, if you're looking for a relationship, avoid him.


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  3. So glad to see you back here and engaged!

    I had to comment on this because I've lived it...I think whether someone can change depends on whether they're accomodating by nature. It took my bf abut 2 years to get fully used to my plan-ahead mentality. I met him halfway too, by putting aside days for him in advance (and then we planned our activity a day before or day of). Earlier in our relationship, I would feel upset because he wasn't taking initiative, and he would be upset that we never spent time together. Change IS possible, but if I think it becomes clear when someone is just uncompromising by nature (they will be uncompromising about everything).

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