Friday, May 30, 2014

Fire eHarmony: "Repeat After Me: 'If You Haven't Met the Person, It's Not a Real Relationship"



You know, maybe I've been wrong about eHarmony. I'm realizing as I go through their blog posts that not all their advice is bad. 

It's not all bad, you see, because they feel the need to spell things out that should be 100 PERCENT FLIPPIN' OBVIOUS!!! I read these things and go, "Yeah, OK, you're right, but Jesus CHRIST who is on your website that you need to explain this to?!"

So, here you go. A piece of obvious advice from eHarmony about the dangers of getting into a "relationship" with someone you've never met, written by the site's director of content, Jeannie Assimos.

Italics are eHarmony's; bold is mine.

Even with shows like MTV’s “Catfish” and increased awareness about online scammers, people are still getting duped as they search for love, friendship and connection via the internet. 

And everyone who's paid for eHarmony is also getting duped.

It is really sad and makes me furious. 

YOU HEAR THAT, SCAMMERS?!?!?!?!??


At eHarmony, we work extremely hard to monitor this sort of activity and get anyone off of the site who doesn’t have good intentions. But at the end of the day, people need to be smart about online relationships … specifically what is real and what is an illusion.

ILLUSIONS!

I mostly put this in for R, who is a huge "Arrested Development" fan.
I heard a story yesterday about a woman who met a man online, they chatted for months (on the phone and online), but never actually met in person. She still considered him her boyfriend. 

Which is CRAZY.

In fact, he proposed to her and she went as far as to start planning their wedding. 

Which is FUCKING CRAZIER.

Long story short, he broke it off with her (through text message, no less) and she was left devastated. All of this happened and she had never even met him. And she isn’t alone. She isn’t stupid, either. 

Uhhh... agree to disagree.

It is very easy to become susceptible to this type of situation, especially if you are really longing for a relationship, lonely or needing love in your life.

AKA, the average eHarmony user.

I am here to say if you never meet someone in person – it is not a real relationship.

DUH.
You may think you are connected as you share intimacy through emails, phone calls, etc. but it’s not real until you actually spend time with this person — touch them, see them and hear their voice.

Do people really not get this!? I have NEVER experienced any sort of emotional connection with someone prior to meeting them. It was always "Well, he seems nice I guess, but if I don't come back at the end of the night it was OkCupid username dcguy0134 who did it." That was about as much credit as I ever gave anyone before meeting them in person for happy hour.

I found a great excerpt from Paul Weinberg’s fantastic book about connecting in this age of social media called “The I Factor,” and it has to do with the false sense of intimacy created through online communication: “Electronic communication is a medium that encourages intimacy by allowing you to reveal thoughts and feelings that you might not share with anyone else or that you might not be comfortable expressing face-to-face. But without the benefit of direct face-to-face interaction, electronic communication can also create a false sense of intimacy by providing a screen through which you can reveal as much or as little as you choose, and consciously or unconsciously filter or distort what you reveal … keep in mind that words themselves are limiting and reductionistic, and cannot possibly capture the richness and nuance of direct interpersonal contact.”

And you don't know if they're secretly a fattie, either. 

NO FATTIES, AMIRITE?! HIGH FIVE!

I read stories every single day about people uniting on eHarmony. It is a beautiful thing. 

Beautiful.
I don’t want anyone to shy away from the great tool that is online dating, 

-- oh there are some great tools alright... some great big ol' tools.

but you have to be smart and do a little homework about this relatively new way of interacting with others.

Our rule of thumb here is if you do connect with someone we have matched you with, try to meet them in person within several weeks if possible. 

Several weeks?!?! Holy shit, how much time do you think people have to devote to this shit!?

Talk to them on the phone as soon as you are comfortable – I would say after several rounds of communication. 

Several rounds?!?!? Again, holy shit!

If they are long distance, Skype with them. 

Oh for fuck's sake, this is just getting ridiculous.

You need to look into the eyes of the person you are interested in to really get a sense of who they are beyond emails and phone calls.

If you meet someone online and they profess their love for you without actually meeting you — be very skeptical.


If an eHarmony match says they want to come and visit you but need money for a plane ticket, close them out and contact us (matchconcerns@eharmony.com). If they say they want to keep chatting with you but their computer is on the fritz and they wonder if you could send them a new one, close them out and contact us.

DEAR...FREAKING.... GOD. 

Over a million people have successfully found love on eHarmony – it can absolutely happen for you too. Just be smart as you navigate this relationship journey.

CANNOT BELIEVE you had to spell that out. 



So that's it! If you already weren't convinced that joining eHarmony is the worst idea you could possibly have, just read through that blog post entry one more time. That is the sort of thing they have to really hammer home for their subscribers. And if they have to hammer that home for their subscribers, do you really want to date those people?! I'm guessing that's a hard NO.

6 comments:

  1. Can they produce the 1million people that had great results, I would like to see this proof.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Secretly a fattie? Harsh Katie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was supposed to be sarcastic.

      Delete
    2. Any time I write in all capital letters, that's your clue.

      Delete
  3. "If an eHarmony match says they want to come and visit you but need money for a plane ticket, close them out.................ou could send them a new one, close them out and contact us."

    This is pure comedy.

    ReplyDelete

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